Ole and Lena
Ole and Lena Jokes - Jokes
Ole, Sven and Lars die in a tragic Lutefisk accident. They are met by God on the stairway to heaven.
God says, "There are 3,000 steps to heaven. It's very serious up there. I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."
So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, Lars laughs out loud and goes straight to hell. Ole and Sven look at each other nervously.
On the 2,000th step God tells another joke, Sven tries his best but laughs and goes to straight to hell.
On the 3,000th step God tells the last and best joke, Ole doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.
Suddenly, Ole bursts out laughing hysterically. God asks, "What are you laughing about?".
Ole replies, "Oh dat's funny. I yust got da first yoke!".
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Ole called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell, said Ole, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
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Ole was talking with his brother Sven, who lived next door, when Sven said, "Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains."
"Vy's dat?" Ole asked.
"Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know..."
Ole thought for awhile, then said, "Ha-ha Sven, da yokes on you! I vasn't even home last night!"
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The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $800 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try ta chip in a few bucks myself."
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Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farder now if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.
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Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, Ole shows up at the Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you vere so religious."
Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist."
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Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?"
"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
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Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
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Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."
Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice."
They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"
The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."
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Lars: "Ole, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking".
Ole: "Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No...."
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One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
"Oh, no", Ole protested. "I vas only doing tirty Officer."
"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.
"Really, Officer, I vas only doing tirty", Ole replied stubbornly.
"Well", bellowed the cop, "I clocked you doing FIFTY!"
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking."
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Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July.
The directions on the can said "put on two coats".
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Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."
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Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "
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Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!
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Ole and Sven went fishing one day in a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy. Ole said, "We better mark dis spot so ve can come back tomorrow and catch more fish."
Sven then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large 'X'. Ole asked him what he was doing, and Sven told him he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.
Ole said, " Ya big dummy, how do ya know ve are going ta get da same boat tomorrow?"
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Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat , he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.
The genie says, "I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.
Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof, Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole."
Poof, Lena was gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "What is your wish?".
Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me".
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One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and, having just returned from church with Lena, he was feeling a little religious.
"God," said Ole, "Ven you made Lena, vy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant ta hold?"
Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."
"Vell then vy, oh vy," asked Ole, "vy Lord did you make her so stupid?"
"So she would love YOU," said the voice.
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Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the windows of the big buildings. Little Ole spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building. Big Ole and Lena followed him. There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful, well built, young lady walked out.
Little Ole said, "What kind of machine is dat, Pa?"
Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in der."
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Vy sure," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?"
"Norvay," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay."
Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?"
"Bergen," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen."
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?"
"On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man.
"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."
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Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."
Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law."
The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."
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Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."
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Ole is taking Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked.
"Lena, why are you standing in the middle of the room naked?" asks Ole.
"Ohh Ole, I have absolutely nuttin ta vear!"
Ole walks over to Lena's closet and opens it.
"Lena! Vut do ya mean you have nuttin ta wear? Here's your white dress, here's your black dress, Hello Sven, here's your orange dress.."
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Ole and Lena visit New York City. Caught in traffic on East 46th, a homeless person starts washing the windshield. Ole rolls down the window.
"Eh how's it going?" the homeless guy says.
"Ohhh it's OK. Ole says.
"Hey where are you folks from?"
"Ohh ve're from Minnesota."
"Ohhh Minnesota, I've been there. I met the ugliest woman I ever saw in Minnesota!"
Lena asks "Vat's he saying Ole?"
"Ohhh he says he knows you Lena."
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Ole answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying.
"Vell, Ole! Vat in da vorld is da matter?" asked the sympathetic Lena.
"I yust had bad news, Lena," Ole replied, "My fadder yust died!!"
Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again.
"Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?" asked Lena.
"Dat vas my brudder." said Ole. "His fadder yust died too!"
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Sven & Ole were working for the city of Minneapolis. Sven would dig a hole - he would dig, dig, dig. Ole would come along and fill the hole - fill, fill, fill. Sven and Ole worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to Sven the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes along behind you and fills it up again!"
Sven, hole digger replied, "Yeah, I suppose it does look funny, but Lars, da guy who plants da trees is sick today."
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Sven and Ole were busy shingling a roof when Sven noticed that Ole was throwing away about half of the nails.
Sven asked, "vy are ya trowing avay all dose nails"?
"Vell, dey got da heads on da wrong ends"! ,replied Ole.
"Ole, you sure are stupid. Dose nails are for da udder side of da roof!"
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Ole and Sven die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around a fire. The devil asks them "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?
Ole and Sven reply, "Vell ya know, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta varm up a bit, don 't ya know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you two feel that?"
Again Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, like ve told you yesterday, ve're from Nordern Minnesoda, the land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're yust happy for da chance ta warm up a bit ya know."
This gets the devil a bit steamed and he decides to show these two just who is in charge down here. He cranks up the heat as high as it can go. The rest of the people are screaming and miserable. He stops by to see if his two Minnesota tenants are the same, and is astonished to find them in light jackets and baseball caps, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil says "Everyone down here is in absolute misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves! Why?"
Ole and Sven reply, "Vell, ya know ve don't get too many varm days up dere in International Falls, ve just got to have a fish fry vhen da vedder is dis nice."
This absolutely incenses the devil, he can barely see straight. He finally comes up with a plan to set these two straight. These two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives, so he decides to turn off all the heat. The next morning, the temperature in hell is below zero, icicles are hanging off the ceilings, people are shivering so much that they don't even have the strength to complain. The devil smiles and heads over to check on Ole &Sven. He arrives and finds the two back in their parkas, hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, and giving each other hi-fives. The devil is now quite dumbfounded, "I just don't understand, I turn up the heat and you're happy. Now I turn off the heat, it's freezing and you're still happy. Why?"
Ole and Sven stop their celebration and look at the devil with a surprised look and say "Vell, don't ya know, hell froze over... dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!"
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It seems Ole had at last scraped up enough money to fly back to Norway to visit his relatives. He was excited and happy and when he boarded the airplane he took the first seat he came to, in first class. Very shortly another passenger came up to him and said, "Sir, you'll have to move. That's my seat. I have the ticket for it."
"You don't understand," Ole answered. "I'm going back to Norway for the first time and I'm so excited and I need this front seat."
No amount of talking could get Ole to move, so the passenger summoned the stewardness who said, "Sir, that is this gentleman's seat and you'll have to move."
"You don't understand," Ole said again. "I'm going back to Norvay for da first time and I need dis seat so I can get off da airplane quickly to see my relatives."
The stewardess tried and tried, but couldn't get Ole to move. She finally called the captain, but he couldn't do any good either until he finally leaned down and whispered something in Ole's ear.
Ole then said, "Oh. All Right." And he quickly moved to his assigned seat in the rear of the airplane.
"What did you tell him?" the amazed stewardess and other passenger asked. "We couldn't budge him."
"Oh," the captain replied. "I just told him this seat didn't go to Norway."
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Ole told Lena one morning that he was going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and he would be done by suppertime. He worked and worked all day long and could only chop down one tree. He was so tired that when he came in for supper he went right to sleep without eating.
The next morning Ole gets up bright and early and tells Lena: "I am goin' into town to pick me up vun of dose chain saws. Dat der ax yust don't vurk too good." So Ole heads off into town and stops at the hardware store to buy a chain saw.
He tells the hardware store owner what he wants and the owner says: "Ah, here's the chain saw you want and it is guaranteed to cut down 20 trees in a day."
Ole gets all excited and says: "dat's yust vhat I need! I'll buy it." So Ole takes his new chainsaw home and gets up bright and early again the next day. He works all day and can still only cut down one more tree. He is beat red while he tells Lena: "Dis here chain is a piece of yunk! I am going to get my money back!!"
He storms back into town the next day to return the chain saw. He tells the hardware store owner: "Dis here chain saw you sold is defective. You told me I could cut down tventy trees and I could only cut down vun!!!"
The store owner looks puzzled and says: "oh?, let's see if it works OK." The store owner proceeds to start up the chain saw and it runs perfectly normal. BRRUMMMM....Mmamamamama.....BRUMMMMM..mmamamamama
Ole jumps back in horror and yells: "Vat da Lutefisk is dat NOISE!!"
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Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian."
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."
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Sven was just pulling his boat up on shore when Ole wandered up with a puzzlement:
Ole: Sven! Vat cho been doin?
Sven: I bin fishin, Ole. Wha cho tink I bin doin with dese here rods?
Ole: Ditcha catch anythin?
Sven: (Under his breath: "Dumb svede.") Of course I catch somethin. Sven alvays catches ven he fishes.
Ole: If I guess how many you catch will you gimme one o' dem?
Sven: If you guesses how many I catch I'll give you BOTH a dem!
Ole: I guess TREE!
Sven: Dat ain't bad for a Svede. You only missed it by TWO!
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Sven and Ole bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, "I thought you had the keys."
Ole says, "You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys."
"Well," says Sven, "It doesn't much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it."
Ole says, "I don't know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down."
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Sven and Ole were building a house. Sven was holding a board and Ole was sawing it. All of a sudden, the saw slipped and cut off one of Sven's ears. They both were digging through the sawdust to find it, and Ole picked up an ear.
Ole says, " Is this it?
Sven says, "Naw, mine had a pencil behind it."
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Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?"
Ole replies "When ve got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind I'll let ya know."
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Ole and Lars go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Lars says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?".
Ole says, "Well Lars, dis here's a thermos. It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold."
After awhile, Lars gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?"
Ole says, "Vell Lars, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."
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Ole decides he will go into town to buy some groceries. So off he goes. Within a few minutes, he comes to a river. He looks up and down and across, but cannot see either a bridge or a spot to cross. Just as he is about to give up and go home, his good friend Sven arrives on the other side. Ole calls out and asks how to get to the other side. Sven is surprised by the question. He looks up the river and down, then down at his feet and then across at Ole.
Sven responds: "You are on da udder side!"
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Ole and Lena had an argument while they were driving down a country road. After a while they got tired of repeating themselves and neither wanted to back down, so they drove along not saying a word.
Than, as they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, Lena sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yup," Ole replied. "In-laws."
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Ole and Lena were at the fair and saw a pilot giving rides. They went up to the pilot and asked how much it was, the pilot said, "Twenty dollars."
Ole said, "Dat's vay too much! I won't pay dat!"
Then the pilot said, "Well......If you make it through the whole ride without screaming, I wont make you pay."
Ole talked to Lena for a little while and they agreed that it was alright. So the pilot took them up in the plane and started doing a bunch of barrel roles and stuff to make them scream, but he never heard them scream. After the ride was over the pilot said, "I am surprised that you didn't scream, most people do."
Ole said, "Yeah, but it vas really hard ven Lena fell out."
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Ole and Sven are working on a barn. The wind comes up and blows their ladder over. Ole asks Sven, "How are ve going ta get down?"
Sven looks around the roof for a while then says, "Well ders a manure pile on dat side a da barn ve could jump in to soften da landing."
Ole said, "OK Sven, but you go first, it vas your idea!" So Sven jumps off into the manure. Ole yells down to him, "How deep is it Sven?"
Sven yells back, "Its only up to my ankles!" So Ole jumped down too and they both climb out of the manure pile.
Ole turns to Sven and said, "Sven vat da hell did you mean it vas only up ta your ankles? It vas up ta my EARS!"
Sven replies, "Ya, but I jumped in head first."
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Lena stepped up to the clerk in the department store and said, "Can I try on dat dress in da window?"
The clerk responded, "We'd really prefer that you try it on in the dressing room."
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A neighbor asked Ole why the Norwegian government doesn't draft men until age 45.
Ole Explained, "Dey vant to get dem right otta of high school."
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Ole was getting ready to go to work one day when Lena stopped him and complained, "Ole, the vashing machine is broke down don't ya know, I vant ya to fix it!".
Ole walked out the door yelling, "Lena, vat do I look like, da Maytag repairman?"
That evening when Ole got home Lena was standing in the yard and said to Ole, "Ole, da car it von't start! Please Ole, fix da car".
Ole kept walking into the house yelling, "Lena, Lena, vat do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
The next day when Ole came home from work Lena said, "Look Ole, da car, it is fixed and the vashing machine, it is vorking too! Lars down da road come by and I asked him if he would fix it for me".
"And vat did he charge ya for doin' it?", Ole asked. Lena replied, "Vell Ole, he said he would do it for some romance (Vell ya know) or if I baked him a cake."
"Vell, vut kind of a cake did you make him?", asked Ole
Lena replied, "Vat do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
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Ole and Lars worked on a construction crew. One day Lars noticed that the foreman always left the project about an hour early. "Say Ole," suggested Lars, "Vy don't WE take off a little early too... yust like da foreman."
So they agreed to try it. As soon as Ole got home, he looked all over for Lena. Finally he opened the bedroom door...and there she was (Vell ya know) in bed with the foreman. Ole silently closed the door and tiptoed out of the house.
The next day, Ole confronted Lars. "Ve better not try anudder stunt like ve did yesterday. I almost got caught!"
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Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked.
"Lena gave it to me".
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?".
"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car"
"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
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Ole and Sven, the old retired Norwegian boys, lived at the Old Retired Norwegian Home.
One afternoon they were sitting on the front porch looking at the sunset and talking about this and that. Lena, who lived there too, was standing around the corner and heard the boys talking. Being a mischievous lady, Lena decided to play a trick on the boys.
Taking off all her clothes, she ran around the corner and raced past Ole and Sven as fast as she could run.
Ole and Sven watch in astonishment as Lena runs past. Finally, Ole asks, "Vasn't dat Lena?"
Sven replies, "Yah, ay... ay tank so..."
Ole says, "But, vat vas she vearing?"
Sven shakes his head and says, "Yah, ay don't know, but vatever it vas, it sure needed ironing!"
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After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"
"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?" "Well, er, yes - but only tree times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.
"Hmmm, tree times?" questioned Ole. "Dat's not so bad. Do you remember dose tree times? Can you tell me when?"
"Vell Ole, do you remember ven you wanted to build an addition, but had to get da okay from da building inspector?" she asked. "Dat vas da first time."
"And do you remember ven you wanted ta build da store and you had a hard time getting approval from da City Council?" asked Lena. "That vas da second time."
"OK, Lena, when vas da tird time?" asked Ole?
"The tird time vas " Lena paused. "Do you remember ven you were running for president of da Sons of Norway and you needed dose 125 votes?"
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Sven sticks his head into Ole's barber shop and asks "Hey, Ole how long before I can get a haircut?"
Ole looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the Sven leaves.
A few days later Sven sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, Ole looks around at shop full of customers and says "About 2 hours." Sven leaves again.
A week later Sven sticks his head in the shop and asks Ole "how long before I can get a haircut?" Ole looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". Sven leaves again.
Ole looks over at Nels in the shop and says "Hey, Nels, I'll give you a free cut if you follow Sven and see where he goes."
In a little while, Nels comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. Ole says, "Dis must be good, ver did he go ven he left here?"
Nels replies, "Ole he vent to your house!"
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Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up.
Lena say's "who vas dat Ole?"
Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy vants ta know if da coast is clear."
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Sven runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. Ole the Vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. Ole examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells Sven that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
Sven, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
Ole goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at Ole and meows.
Ole looks at the Sven and says, "I'm sorry, but da cat tinks dat your dog is dead too."
Sven is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. Ole then brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at Ole and barks.
Ole looks at Sven and says, "I'm sorry, but da lab tinks your dog is dead too."
Sven, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks Ole and asks how much he owes.
Ole answers, "$650".
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaimed Sven.
"Well," Ole replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 vas for da cat scan and da lab test."
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A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Norwegian joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, "He's Norwegian.'' Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, "He's Norwegian.'' The bartender finished, ``Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Norwegian, too.''
The customer replied, "I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times.''
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Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other side. Those crazy Swedes would throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Of course the Norwegians would get mad and light the firecrackers and throw them back.
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Sven came home to his apartment one night, all Upset. "Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's (Vell ya know) been with every voman in dis building except one."
"Hmmph," said his wife Lena. "Must be dat snooty Mrs.Johnson on da tird floor."
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Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come da girls aren't friendly to me?"
"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a big potato in your swim trunks, dat would help."
So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried vat you told me with da potato, but it doesn't help."
"Um, Sven, you're supposed to put da potato in da FRONT!"
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In the middle of the show, Ole stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY!
You've been making too many jokes about us Norwegians! Knock it off ya bum!"
The ventriloquist replies, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!"
Ole replies, "You idiot, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to dat little guy sitting on yer knee!"
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Ole was on his deathbed and implored his wife Lena, "Lena, ven I'm gone, I vant you to marry Sven Svenson".
"Vy Sven Svenson?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!"
"Still do," gasped Ole.
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The Swedes and the Norwegians had a football game, starting at 10 a.m. For two hours they played a scoreless game.
When the lunch bell rang at high noon, the Norwegians walked off the field to go home for lunch.
Three plays later, the Swedes scored.
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Ole and Sven are standing on a bridge fishing in the river below. Suddenly Sven sees in the distance a funeral procession coming. Sven reels in turns, toward the road, places his fish pole over his shoulder and stands at attention until it passes by
Ole says "Vy Sven dat vas such a respectful ting to do. I am really proud of you for doing it."
Sven says "Sure Ole, but do ya know I vas married to dat voman for tirty-five years".
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Ole and Lena were married for 40 years. When they first got married Ole said, "I am putting a box under da bed. You must promise never ta look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Lena never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1934.87 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Lena could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry Ole. For all dese years I kept my promise and never looked inta da box under our bed. However today da temptation vas too much and I gave in. But now I need ta know vy do you keep da cans in da box?"
Ole thought for a while and said, "I guess after all dese years you deserve ta know da truth. Whenever I vas unfaithful ta you I put an empty beer can in da box under da bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Lena was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all dose years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess dat 3 times is not dat bad considering da years." They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Lena asked, "Ole, vy do you have all dat money in da box?" Ole answered, "Oh, Whenever da box filled with empties, I cashed em in."
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Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.
"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."
"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.
"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $10 bill and tell me ta take a hike!"
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Lena goes to the doctor and complains that her husband Ole is losing interest in (Vell ya know). The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into some of Ole's mashed potatoes at dinner.
About a week later, Lena is back at the doctor.
Lena says, "Doc, da pill verked great! I put it in da potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and Ole jumps up, rakes all da food and dishes on da floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on da table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah," Lena says, "Dat's okay. Ve aren't going back ta dat restaurant anyvay."
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Ole is traveling on a train and learns that he and pretty woman who he's never met before have to share the same sleeping carriage.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, Ole on the lower bunk.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes Ole and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
Ole leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend ve're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," Ole replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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One day Ole gets a plan to make some money so he goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. Ole rings the door bell and says, "Hello, is der anyting I could do for you ta make some money?"
The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."
Ole says, "O.K., How much vill ya pay me?"
The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"
Ole quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope he knows the porch goes all around the house!"
Two hours later Ole knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have da money now?"
Surprised the man replies, "OK, Let me get the money"
He comes back and Ole says as he is leaving, "By da vay, Dat's a Ferrari, not a Porch-e!"
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Wanting a portrait with which to surprise her husband, a beautiful woman asks talented artist Ole to to paint her in the nude.
"No," Ole replies. "I don't do dat sorta ting."
"But what if I double your fee?" asks the woman.
"Nope, sorry. Von't do it." replies Ole.
"How about I give you five times what you normally get?" pleads the woman.
"Oh, okay den," says Ole, "But I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place ta put my brushes."
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Two bowling teams, one Swedish, one Norwegian, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament. The Norwegian team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the Swedish team rides on the top level.
The Norwegian team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the Swedes upstairs. So, he decides to investigate.
When the Norwegian reaches the top, he finds the Swedish team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
"What's going on up here?" asks the Norwegian. "We're having a great time downstairs!"
"Ya," screams a terrified Swede, "but you've got a driver!"
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Ole was driving in traffic when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the Ole's car and asked, "Are you going to Oslo?"
"Sure," answered Ole, "Do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said Ole.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of Ole's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Oslo when suddenly he was horrified. There was Ole walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Ya, I know ya did," said Ole, "but yust as ve got der it looked like it vas goin ta rain, so ve decided to go see a movie instead."
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Ole walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.
"But I alvays buy it here", Ole says. "I bought one last month".
Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", Ole replies. "I'll bring it vith me tomorrow"
The next day, Ole walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells Ole, "You use it under your arms".
"No, it is not", Ole answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".
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Ole tried to sell his car. He was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, he told his problem to a Sven who worked at the gas station. Sven told him, "Ole, der's a way ta make da car easier ta sell, but it ain't legal."
"Dat don't matter," replied Ole, "If I only can sell the car, dat's ok."
"Okay," said Sven. "Here's da address of a frienda mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell em I sent you and he vill turn da counter in yer car back ta 50,000 miles. Den it von't be a problem ta sell yer car anymore."
The following weekend, Ole made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Sven asked Ole, "Vell Ole, did ya sell yer car?"
"No," replied Ole, "Vy should I ya dummy? Now it only has 50,000 miles on it."
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Ole and Lena were always out of ice in their home. They couldn't make it. They could never remember the recipe!
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Ole gives Lena a new cell phone for Christmas. The next day she's at Wal-Mart and the phone rings. Ole is on the phone and asks her how she likes her new cell phone.
Lena replies, "Great Ole but how dya know I was at da Wal-Mart?!
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Ole, Sven and Lars are in jail for stealing Lutefisk when they decide to break out. To their amazement, their plan works and they find themselves free and on the run.
Ole sees a barn. "Let's hide in da hayloft of dat barn, dey'll never find us in dere!"
After sleeping the night in the barn, Ole hears police officers outside. One of the officers yells, "Come out with your hands in the air you lousy Lutefisk lifters!"
Ole says to Sven and Lars, "Hide in dose baskets over dere. Dey'll never find us in dose!"
So Ole gets in the first basket, Sven gets in the second basket and the Lars gets in the third basket.
Meanwhile, the officers get a ladder set up and are climbing up to the loft. Once they get up, one officer starts kicking the baskets.
He kicks the first basket. Ole's inside and shouts, "RUFF-RUFF!"
"It's just a dog in this one!" yells the officer.
He kicks the second basket. Sven's inside and shouts, "MEOW!"
"It's just a cat in this basket!" yells the officer.
He kicks the third basket and the Lars yells out, "POTATOES!"
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Lena is taking a shower when the doorbell rings. Ole, in the bathroom upstairs, yells for her to get the door. Lena throws a towel on and runs down to open the door. Sven, their neighbor is there. Sven looks at Lena with only her towel on and says, "Lena if you drop da towel, I vill give you five-hunnerd dollars."
So Lena drops her towel. Keeping his promise, Sven gives her the money and leaves. Lena closes the door and goes back to the bathroom. Ole asks her, "Who vas dat?
Lena replies, "Oh, dat vas Sven from next door." Lena thinks fast. "I don't know vat he vanted doh."
Ole then asks, "Did he say anyting about da five-hunnerd dollars he owes me?"
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Ole goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch with my finger hurts."
The doctor asks "What do you mean?"
So Ole shows him what he means. He touches his knee and says "Ouch!" Then he touches his chest and says, "Ouch!" Then he touches his shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at Ole and shakes his head. "Ole you dummy, you got a broken finger!"
